Anxiety Diaries: My Fluoxetine Journey

Fluoxetine was a huge help for me when I was struggling with panic attacks; and with hopes of starting a family and being asthmatic some anxiety meds weren't an option, so while I hadn't suffered with depression, an option I did have was an antidepressant.

The first couple of weeks were really difficult, and for a short time I felt worse. I felt physically sick, didn't want to eat, was scared to be alone, cried constantly and suffered intrusive thoughts. All of the information out there says that suicidal thoughts can be quite common when starting antidepressants and I found this Young Minds article really useful at the beginning. I could recognise that the thoughts I was having weren't mine and that I certainly didn't want to hurt myself, but it took some time for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and after a couple of weeks Fluoxetine started to give me the leg-up I needed to get out of the bottomless pit.

I'm certainly not saying that medication should be the go-to answer. What works for one person won't be right for another and I consider myself fortunate to have suffered mental health issues at a time when it's more common than I realised, a time when more people talk about mental health openly. But, I remember seeing this meme and feeling so angry.

It's so easy to say "just go out for a walk," "stop worrying" or "you just need to relax" and for some people (who don't know what it's like) to think it's that simple to solve. What good is that if you feel physically unable to get up, if you're crying like you're in physical pain and you don't understand why, or your body has exhausted itself with panic to the point where you can't stay awake and not like "oh I'm sleepy," like straight up passing out. So I much prefer this version.

I feel lucky that I only suffered for a few months before being able to get on with life as normal. I stayed on Fluoxetine for a year and a half before deciding that it was time to start weaning and with doctors instruction I managed to come off Fluoxetine over the course of about a month; I'd become confident that with everything I'd learnt from counselling and self-care research I would be able to handle the blips without medication.

So, how do I handle the blips?

Breathe.

I learned a couple of breathing techniques that I find really helpful if I start to feel the anxiety build. Deep belly or diaphragmatic breathing and 2-to-1 breathing.

Talk.

It helps me to talk; talk to Martyn, talk to family, talk to friends and in the past, to a counsellor. It's not for everyone, some people prefer to be private, anxiety doesn't have a one-size-fits-all solution, but talking helps me.

Occupy My Thoughts.

I really like adult colouring books and one day when I was particularly bad I tried to sit and do some colouring in, it didn't help, my thoughts were still spiralling into catastrophe. I later realised I could colour-in quite mindlessly, so I switched to doing puzzles instead; word searches, sudoku, crosswords, etc. Having to think about what I was doing made all the difference. Sometimes at work, if I get a little frazzled I'll take 10 minutes to do an online sudoku, and afterwards I find it easier to get back on track.

Keep A Journal.

What was the best thing about today? In the beginning I forced myself to find something positive in each day, even when there seemed to be nothing but bad; a cuddle on the couch, Lenny purrs, a visit from a friend or pizza for tea. I would also spend time noting down the people in my life and the things I love about them to help me stay on a positive thought path as long as I could. I cried my way through it, but the tears felt more like happy tears than pointless tears.

Get Creative.

Crafts, baking, photography, painting, sketching, whatever floats your boat. My interests change far too much, but I enjoy making candles, re-potting plants and baking cakes, although Martyn would tell you I don't bake nearly enough.

Be A Baby.

This one came from my counsellor, but works a treat. Treat yourself like a baby; have a warm bath before bed, have a warm supper or a warm drink, make sure your bedroom is a comfortable temperature and keep screens out of the bedroom. I don't keep all of these up as much as I should, but it does help when I need it. I'm never out of the bath and can't resist a lush bath bomb or some scented bath salts. At the minute I'm enjoying Westlab Mindful with Frankincense, Bergamot & CBD, and I'm loving a Pukka night time tea before bed.

Read.

I read Panicking about Panic & Making Friends with Anxiety to help me understand anxiety better and found both of them really re-assuring and relatable.

Have A Fuck-It Day.

If it all gets too much, I allow myself a fuck-it day. All the pressure to try and get things done is gone and I can tell myself "I'm having today, I'll be back tomorrow."

Stephi xx